Crossing the Threshold
Stepping in to the Unknown
It’s difficult to know where to begin, when approaching such a weighty subject; or perhaps it’s the lack of “weight” that is remarkable. I have been planting the the seeds of intention for some time, in finding a way to bring cohesion and my passion for all of my interests to collide, and now they are starting to show themselves in endless streams of synchronicity. While my intentions were to act quicker than has proved to be case, I made the first move and the universe, or whatever else once might call it, have made clear the winds of change have shifted. Instead of the burst of energy and action i was hoping for, I was forced- err… urged in to “going with the flow”- to stand in witness to what was unfolding before my eyes.
It’s been a rough year!
In the collapse of the economic environment, and as a direct result a decimation of tattoo shop culture, we have been scrambling for ways to attract in clients in new and innovative ways. I quickly learned how sick “selling myself” online made me feel and new that my approach would have to be different- otherwise I wouldn’t (and honestly, haven’t) do it. Through all of the struggle I came to learn very well what resistance feels like, and it’s something I realized I had grown much too accustomed to. Apparently living your first 30 years in abject terror is not an ideal way for your nervous system, or any system for that matter, to learn how to flourish.
Stuck in "Freeze”
In May this year of writing, 2024, I had yet another complete dissolution of emotional, mental, and physical health. Knowing the Darkness was close to consuming me, seeing no light or hope in sight, feeling the crushing weight of apathy and oppression all around me, seeing my houseplants wither and die around me as I try to keep my head above the surface… I broke the silence and told my partner that we need to put all chemicals and sharp objects under lock-and-key because I am not in a place where I trust myself not to act brashly.
While going through boxes in the basement I recovered a binder from early high school with discharge papers from my first psychological discharge papers dated 2004 from a string of panic attacks and “cry for help” behavior at home and I would be put on different antidepressants, since the ones from the original 2001 depression/ptsd diagnosis did not seem to do the trick. That’s a really time to be “fucked up!” and so I found myself at another choice point.
How long are we going to continue this cycle?
True to my nature I decided that I must help others who feel the same way as I, in hopes that they might receive the self-empowerment and transformation that I seemed incapable of receiving. “How very Chiron of you,” one might say. I’ve long wished I’ve had a friend like me, who can announce with great certainty and authority what you’re fucking deal is. That’s the bitch about “shadow work”, innit? We’re predisposed to it being hidden from our views. Enter the Void. Then, from the voice of an angel- John Mulaney!- I hear it smug-screamed at me through a Netflix special.
“Are you just going to live in your trauma forever?”
Well shit. You make a good point there, sir.
The thing is, though, when you’re living it your whole life one never learns what that would look like, let alone feel like. One great benefit of the void, however, is the way things can make themselves known.
All my shrinks say I’m “advanced”
What I am now beginning to call another “phase” of a spiritual awakening, married with the life long mental health issues, has brought me to a point where I feel I can properly utilize talk-therapy and other psychotherapeutic avenues, if not for mundane things like gathering the strength to open emails and government letters, but to keep myself grounded in this “expansion”. I have seen many sorts of shrinks and therapists, and they all love me. Perhaps it’s my Gemini Moon superpowers of navel-gazing and intellectualization and reflection of all these internal processes. This isn’t actually feeling them, so they remained trapped. I love self-study and have been obsessed with Jungian practices since middle school; on this path in perpetuity.
“Why don’t you go to school for this” they’d ask. “You should do this for a living!”
Little do they know my disdain for the educational institution. Then it shifted. “You’re rather advanced” the last two said. I am pleased to announce that the Oregon healthcare system has obnoxiously, and thankfully, refused to let me fall through the cracks once more and immediately got me in touch with another talk-therapist.
“You’re already utilizing all the tools and using all of the vocabulary I would have you implement… what do you need from me?” Plenty. I share this last part to not declare that I am instantaneously “cured” or mastered internal suffering, but I know where to look to get that ball rolling.
I can’t wait to tell him that these “advanced tools” have been uncovered through my astrological and tarot practices, and lovely human on YouTube who share their knowledge.
These tools are available for anyone and everyone to uncover.
With the Scar Coverup Giveaway- which is still happening, I’ve just been focused on this inward transformation and taking this one step at a time. When I step up to the plate to help out, I want to be able to knock it out of the park. I love what I do, I just had to get rid of some baggage first.
I have answered the Call to Service, one that has always been mine, as an open bleeding heart who has “compassioned-too-hard”. I’ve had a lot to release to come Back to Center, and now I hold the keys to the crossroads. I’ve had to learn how to slow down, which has not been a GOOD feeling, but I feel like I have crossed through to the other side with torch in hand.
I’ll do it My Way
Instead of spending my energy angry and upset at the way others are going about things, I choose now to forge forward a new way based in authenticity, compassion, ease, and service. This is a gift I have first given myself, and in doing so feel ready at last to go forward. Get ready! Change is a’coming!
Stay tuned!
Not all magic is woo!